I feel like my head has been overflowing with thoughts lately. It's like this crazy whirlpool of positive, negative, and everything in between. I've never felt so... complicated! Let's take a little tour of my brain for a moment, shall we?
My hair is falling out at an accelerated rate. I am 25. I am female. This is NOT acceptable. The shampoo I used to use has disappeared off the market for a while so I have been forced to spend MORE money to find a suitable substitute. I think I may have found one, but I need to wait for this Holiday business to be over before I can receive said shampoo in the mail. So I sit here now, pulling strands out of my head every time I run my fingers through my hair, and it's absolutely maddening.
I have obtained a job. It's at Peet's Coffee and Tea and while that's all fine and dandy, it still will probably be JUST enough for me to survive. I'm not complaining really, because if you can survive in California, you're not doing too badly, but honestly... I can't wait for school to be over so I can start my career as an Esthetician and work on THRIVING instead of surviving.
Girls suck. There are reasons that I am very particular about my female friends and I am just being given so many examples to reinforce that finickiness lately that it's shocking. Of course, my class is ALL females, with the exception of the cute little gay boy that we get in a few weeks, so it's no wonder I am completely overwhelmed by the backstabbing effects of cramming estrogen producing creatures like sardines into a 5-day-a-week class. I just want to know... what is so bad, really, about saying exactly what you feel to someone's face? Why hide that shit? It doesn't stay hidden you know. It rears its ugly head in the form of a tension so thick, you could take a spoon to it and force feed it down someone's throat... so why? And what's with the girl-competition bullshit? I don't give a flying fig what you're doing or if it's better than what I'm doing. I don't care if you try to rub my nose in it because honestly, I just don't care about you, your life, or how you are trying to get me down, piss me off, or show me how much better than me you think you are. I am living MY life for ME, not YOU, and you'd do well to do the same. Seriously. Focus on yourself and happiness will follow... good lord.
My past gets to me sometimes. There are some people that I hurt for stupid reasons. I suppose it was because I was young and dumb. LOL. That statement cracks me up. Young and dumb. I'm 25 for crying out loud... but those scenarios seem so long ago. Some of them are still my friends, while others still harbor such a hate for me that it breaks my heart. I try not to focus on it, but there are some days when it just seeps in like a ninja and takes my breath away.
I miss my friends. I feel as though I find all of these amazing people everywhere I go and then eventually I leave... and I leave a piece of myself. I feel so full of love some days, and then others I feel completely empty because the people who make my life so fucking beautiful are so far away. I'm not a cuddly person, but there are days when I just want to grab like, 5 of my very closest friends and dog pile with them... just to have the closeness. It's almost like I'm deprived or something. *lol*
I am a gypsy. A wanderer. A nomad. I need to accept this and the people in my life need to understand it. I am already thinking of where I am going to go from here. Am I going to stay in California? Go to Oregon? Maybe get CIDESCO certified and travel the world for a minute? I need to stop collecting junk because it is SO tiring to move it with me every time I get a hair up my ass to leave... and I need to stop getting so fucking close to people because, as I stated above, I love my friends very deeply and I hate leaving them.
I live in California now, so I am going to throw this out there for everyone who wasn't already aware of the fact. I smoke marijuana. I have for a very long time and I am not going to stop doing it now or any time soon. I used to take Zoloft for my anxiety and depression but I find smoking a bowl just works better for me. And who the HELL could NOT be anxiety ridden in this fucking world? Our world is scary and uncertain. But when I smoke, especially with my friends, I can slow down and stop focusing on all the violence and sadness and just BE HAPPY. I don't blow a ton of money on it. I don't smoke before I go to work or school. I am responsible. And if you have an issue with it, we just won't discuss it now will we? *lol*
GUYS SUCK. I don't think I need to elaborate here?
You know, oddly enough, this blog vomit has made me feel a little better. My heterosexual life mate should be calling me soon so I will spew the rest of it on her then, but for now, this has helped. I felt like my head was going to explode. Now. It's off to be a girl. I'm going to give myself a sweet pedicure, dye my bangs (if the fuckers would stop falling OUT!), play with some makeup, and listen to some rad music. Hell, I might even go sit in the sunshine in a dress... cuz California is just beautiful. <3
