I am full of inspiration lately. I have had some awesome ideas just pouring out of my brain and one of them just happens to be about me.
Let's start with the obvious: I am a total spazoid. I find myself excited by the smallest things and I'm not ashamed to let anyone in my general vicinity know about it. Doesn't matter if you are the person behind me in the line at the grocery store and I found the most amazing bag of fresh mushrooms on sale or if you are one of my clients sitting on our piercing table thats actually a gyno table from the 60's, I will tell you all about it with gusto. I am what many would call a "happy person".
I am also quite tickled by large events in my life. Concerts are a major one. I will remind my friends and co-workers weeks ahead of time that there is a show coming up and I am VERY excited about it. If there is a trip coming up, I focus on nothing else... but I pack the night before I leave because I truly am just weird like that.
I am, however, easily frustrated. I definitely have some anger issues which confuses me greatly. How can such a happy person become such an angry person? My hair is one thing that brings out my inner monster. I can't ever do anything cool with it. I see all of these girls with curls and bumps and froofy shit going on on their heads and I CAN'T accomplish it. And if I try and fail (which 9 times out of 10 I do) then my whole day is completely ruined by my lack of hair style savvy.
Driving is another thing that instantly rubs me the wrong way. I live in Arizona. There are an amazing amount of retirement communities here and we get an astounding amount of snowbirds too. Some of them drive like a bat out of hell and others drive like snail shit. Its extremely frustrating as I have a 16 mile drive and it takes me 40 minutes to get there because I have to drive through a sea of idiot drivers. I frequently can be seen at stop lights screaming my fool head off at the bonehead in front of me... or to either side... or behind me. But I'm not biased here. I have had many a run in with young drivers and they are just a flippin' stupid as the old dude in front of them.
Arizona is FULL of stupid drivers.
But lets stay positive here. I am an optimist. I try really hard to just find the silver lining of any situation and be happy that its not worse. I hate dwelling on the past as its nothing I can change, I can only learn from it so thats what I choose to do. I have a past that I am not proud of... but I LEARNED from it and I have not repeated my mistakes. Thats the important part. And I am grateful for all of my friends and family who put up with my neurotic behavior. The hair color, the body mods, the random angry outbursts and hormonal cry-fests.... they take it all and somehow they still love me. I don't get it, but I've learned not to question it because that just gets me yelled at.
And I hate getting yelled at.
So there. I told you if you wanted to know more about me to just keep reading my blog. See? I am holding up my end of the bargain. I rock. ^_^
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Your Duckface Sucks. Knock It Off.
In the last year or so, there has been an alarming increase of "duckface" pictures on the interwebz. You know the ones... where the person looks like they just sucked on a rank lemon wedge or got punched by Andre The Giant in their pooper? Mmhmm... those people are either blind or stupid.
I'm betting on the latter.
Are they really so fucking full of themselves that they think pursing their lips makes them "sexy"? YES! I'm going to paint the whole area around my eyes black, spray paint myself orange, throw some super shimmery white lipstick on my lips and pinch those babies up so they look like they belong on a 90 year old woman and BAM! I'm sexy as hell.
Ok, maybe they are blind.
This epidemic is spreading through the masses of males in our society as well. But why? Are men really starting to cross over into being women? Given the plague of skin tight, bright colored clothing items, eyeliner, and giant sparkly hoop earrings that they have started to wear, I'm thinking so. Making a duckface while you take a picture of yourself in your bathroom with your smartphone doesn't make you cool dude... it makes you look gay. Like literally homosexual. (Which I do NOT have any issue with... unless you are NOT gay but you LOOK gay... then you just look dumb on top of everything else).
Oh.My.GAWD. I just pulled that little gem of a picture off Google Images and honestly... I can't stop laughing. Good grief, give it 50 years and there will be no more gender identification. Everyone will look the same with that god awful duckface and the only way you will be able to tell is by actually looking at their naked crotch. Of course, given the theory of evolution, I'm sure in the next hundred years or so, the penis will slowly begin to creep back up into the body, dragging the testicles with it... thus exterminating human life on this planet. So stop being so damn girlie boys... or you're going to kill off mankind. Do you want that kind of blood on your hands? I don't think you do.
I got a little off subject here. Duckface. Yes. Its disgusting. Its vile. It makes you look absolutely fucking RIDICULOUS.
STOP IT.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
STOP junking up our already junked-up internet with pictures of yourself that you think look sexy when really you just look like a surprised stroke victim.
And if you are one of my friends and you have a duckface picture (or more than one) you had better remove it. Because I will find it. And I will make fun of you for it. I will badger you until you remove it. And you will thank me for saving you. Consider yourself warned.
This is war people. Whose side are you on?
I'm betting on the latter.
Are they really so fucking full of themselves that they think pursing their lips makes them "sexy"? YES! I'm going to paint the whole area around my eyes black, spray paint myself orange, throw some super shimmery white lipstick on my lips and pinch those babies up so they look like they belong on a 90 year old woman and BAM! I'm sexy as hell.
Ok, maybe they are blind.
This epidemic is spreading through the masses of males in our society as well. But why? Are men really starting to cross over into being women? Given the plague of skin tight, bright colored clothing items, eyeliner, and giant sparkly hoop earrings that they have started to wear, I'm thinking so. Making a duckface while you take a picture of yourself in your bathroom with your smartphone doesn't make you cool dude... it makes you look gay. Like literally homosexual. (Which I do NOT have any issue with... unless you are NOT gay but you LOOK gay... then you just look dumb on top of everything else).
Oh.My.GAWD. I just pulled that little gem of a picture off Google Images and honestly... I can't stop laughing. Good grief, give it 50 years and there will be no more gender identification. Everyone will look the same with that god awful duckface and the only way you will be able to tell is by actually looking at their naked crotch. Of course, given the theory of evolution, I'm sure in the next hundred years or so, the penis will slowly begin to creep back up into the body, dragging the testicles with it... thus exterminating human life on this planet. So stop being so damn girlie boys... or you're going to kill off mankind. Do you want that kind of blood on your hands? I don't think you do.
I got a little off subject here. Duckface. Yes. Its disgusting. Its vile. It makes you look absolutely fucking RIDICULOUS.
STOP IT.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
STOP junking up our already junked-up internet with pictures of yourself that you think look sexy when really you just look like a surprised stroke victim.
And if you are one of my friends and you have a duckface picture (or more than one) you had better remove it. Because I will find it. And I will make fun of you for it. I will badger you until you remove it. And you will thank me for saving you. Consider yourself warned.
This is war people. Whose side are you on?
(DAMMIT! KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!!!)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Dammit Dog, Shut Up!!!
I know you have all had that neighbor with the dog (or worse, DOGS) that barks incessantly right? I'm not the only one to experience this outright rude phenomenon right?
Right?
Yeah. Our neighbors have TWO dogs and if they are outside and a LEAF blows across the yard, they freak out. Doesn't matter the time of day or what the supposed disruption is in their tiny little lives, they have to tell the whole fucking world about it. Guess what dogs? I don't care. I don't care that the bird is eating your food. I don't care that a car drove by. I don't care that someone walked by either. I don't care that your other furry idiot dog-friend just took a shit...I DON'T CARE.
And this makes me wonder... are their owners deaf? I know damn well if I can hear them in our house, they can certainly hear them in theirs. Do they just turn up the tv? How on earth do they sleep through that shit? I mean honestly, do they ever stop to think about their poor neighbors who are subjected to listening to their schizophrenic pooches? I know it makes ME want to tear out my hair when all I hear for the better part of an hour is "YIP! YIP! BARK!! RUFF! YIPYIPYIP!"... so why, I ask, does it not do the same for them? I know DAMN well they hear their freaking dogs... but they do nothing about it. Thats just rude. Really, really, really rude.
Apparently, they make this birdhouse with a sonic thingy inside of it. You set it up close to your neighbors yard, and when the dog starts to bark, its sets off the sonic thing and shuts the dog up. I may have to invest in one of these because honestly, I'm ready to march into that yard and punt those obnoxious little canine twats all over their yard.
Or I'll just stand in our backyard at 3 am and start barking like a maniac every night until they get the hint. It will be cheaper... and possibly more effective. Hell, maybe my roommate's dog Sydney will join in too.
(EDIT: This morning that fucking dog started up at 6:00 am... and continued until who knows when. Thank god for ear plugs.)
Right?
Yeah. Our neighbors have TWO dogs and if they are outside and a LEAF blows across the yard, they freak out. Doesn't matter the time of day or what the supposed disruption is in their tiny little lives, they have to tell the whole fucking world about it. Guess what dogs? I don't care. I don't care that the bird is eating your food. I don't care that a car drove by. I don't care that someone walked by either. I don't care that your other furry idiot dog-friend just took a shit...I DON'T CARE.
And this makes me wonder... are their owners deaf? I know damn well if I can hear them in our house, they can certainly hear them in theirs. Do they just turn up the tv? How on earth do they sleep through that shit? I mean honestly, do they ever stop to think about their poor neighbors who are subjected to listening to their schizophrenic pooches? I know it makes ME want to tear out my hair when all I hear for the better part of an hour is "YIP! YIP! BARK!! RUFF! YIPYIPYIP!"... so why, I ask, does it not do the same for them? I know DAMN well they hear their freaking dogs... but they do nothing about it. Thats just rude. Really, really, really rude.
Apparently, they make this birdhouse with a sonic thingy inside of it. You set it up close to your neighbors yard, and when the dog starts to bark, its sets off the sonic thing and shuts the dog up. I may have to invest in one of these because honestly, I'm ready to march into that yard and punt those obnoxious little canine twats all over their yard.
Or I'll just stand in our backyard at 3 am and start barking like a maniac every night until they get the hint. It will be cheaper... and possibly more effective. Hell, maybe my roommate's dog Sydney will join in too.
(EDIT: This morning that fucking dog started up at 6:00 am... and continued until who knows when. Thank god for ear plugs.)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I Drugged My Little Sister
Being an older sister is quite the adventure. Even more so when you have a single mom who works nights and you just so happen to be old enough to watch your kid sister while she is at work. Chaos ensued more often than not and made for some really interesting nights.
One such instance was when I was forced to drug my sister to get her to sleep. I had been trying for two hours, it was 10:30 at night, and my 15 year old mind was desperate. She was running all over the house like a tiny little blonde crack child. I noticed the bottle of Benadryl sitting on the bathroom counter and it hit me... those tiny pink pills make you tired. I know that I personally zonk out for a good four hours after I take one... so half would be fine for my sister.
But how to administer such a thing?
At 7 years old, there was no way she was just going to swallow a pill that I had given her. I mean, I tried. But she absolutely refused. She knew what I was trying to do and there was NO way she was going to miss out on torturing me and possibly getting me into trouble by "allowing" her to stay up late. I needed to be sneaky. I needed to be...
NINJA.
So, I took the half of the little pink pill and I crushed it to bits using the bottle. Then I pulled out a slice of the no-bake cheesecake that I had made earlier, cleverly scooped the strawberry topping off and sprinkled this "sleep powder" all over the cheese cake. I placed the strawberry topping back over the cheesecake and tempted my bouncing sister off the living room couch into the dining room to eat what would presumably knock her obnoxious little ass out.
"It tastes funny." she said... but, as any 7 year old will do, she inhaled the whole thing. And conked out 25 minutes later. Granted, it was now almost 11:30, but it accomplished what I couldn't. Gotta love those pills.
I was the master at revenge too. I have duct taped my sister up completely and left her there on the floor for 10 minutes while I stepped outside. She genuinely thought I had left her and was completely panicked when I came back in. I have dumped ice water all over her when she was being a complete brat. I fed her a vomit flavored jelly bean and told her it was tutti frutti. She fell for lots of food pranks.
I have also scared the hell out of her numerous times. My favorite time however was one night when she herself was 12. She had a friend over for the night and my mom was working a little late so she asked me to drive out and check on her and her little friend. We lived in a double wide (haha) out in the country on a few acres so it was dark and quiet and the perfect time to terrorize her.
I had some one with me (though I cannot remember who) and we decided on the way over that we were going to park a bit away from the drive way and sneak up to the house on foot to bang on the window. But as we were sneaking up, I realized that we could just bang on the walls and it would resonate through the whole house. So thats what we did. My friend went to the back and starting BEATING the walls with their fists... and when I joined in, it sounded downright terrifying. We stopped for a second and listened. My sister and her friend were screaming inside. Oh, they were scared. So we continued to beat on the walls, walking a full circle around the house until I finally decided that we needed to go in and make sure they hadn't keeled over and died.
My sister and her friend had barricaded themselves in her room and were both brandishing butcher knives in the air as I pushed open the door. I was laughing so hard I nearly peed myself.
I think I may have scarred her for life. ^_^
(P.S. please do not think I am evil. My little sister was a complete butthead and most things I did to her were for retaliation purposes only and not just to pick on her. That being said, I love you Snotrag) :)
One such instance was when I was forced to drug my sister to get her to sleep. I had been trying for two hours, it was 10:30 at night, and my 15 year old mind was desperate. She was running all over the house like a tiny little blonde crack child. I noticed the bottle of Benadryl sitting on the bathroom counter and it hit me... those tiny pink pills make you tired. I know that I personally zonk out for a good four hours after I take one... so half would be fine for my sister.
But how to administer such a thing?
At 7 years old, there was no way she was just going to swallow a pill that I had given her. I mean, I tried. But she absolutely refused. She knew what I was trying to do and there was NO way she was going to miss out on torturing me and possibly getting me into trouble by "allowing" her to stay up late. I needed to be sneaky. I needed to be...
NINJA.
So, I took the half of the little pink pill and I crushed it to bits using the bottle. Then I pulled out a slice of the no-bake cheesecake that I had made earlier, cleverly scooped the strawberry topping off and sprinkled this "sleep powder" all over the cheese cake. I placed the strawberry topping back over the cheesecake and tempted my bouncing sister off the living room couch into the dining room to eat what would presumably knock her obnoxious little ass out.
"It tastes funny." she said... but, as any 7 year old will do, she inhaled the whole thing. And conked out 25 minutes later. Granted, it was now almost 11:30, but it accomplished what I couldn't. Gotta love those pills.
I was the master at revenge too. I have duct taped my sister up completely and left her there on the floor for 10 minutes while I stepped outside. She genuinely thought I had left her and was completely panicked when I came back in. I have dumped ice water all over her when she was being a complete brat. I fed her a vomit flavored jelly bean and told her it was tutti frutti. She fell for lots of food pranks.
I have also scared the hell out of her numerous times. My favorite time however was one night when she herself was 12. She had a friend over for the night and my mom was working a little late so she asked me to drive out and check on her and her little friend. We lived in a double wide (haha) out in the country on a few acres so it was dark and quiet and the perfect time to terrorize her.
I had some one with me (though I cannot remember who) and we decided on the way over that we were going to park a bit away from the drive way and sneak up to the house on foot to bang on the window. But as we were sneaking up, I realized that we could just bang on the walls and it would resonate through the whole house. So thats what we did. My friend went to the back and starting BEATING the walls with their fists... and when I joined in, it sounded downright terrifying. We stopped for a second and listened. My sister and her friend were screaming inside. Oh, they were scared. So we continued to beat on the walls, walking a full circle around the house until I finally decided that we needed to go in and make sure they hadn't keeled over and died.
My sister and her friend had barricaded themselves in her room and were both brandishing butcher knives in the air as I pushed open the door. I was laughing so hard I nearly peed myself.
I think I may have scarred her for life. ^_^
(P.S. please do not think I am evil. My little sister was a complete butthead and most things I did to her were for retaliation purposes only and not just to pick on her. That being said, I love you Snotrag) :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)